The Guilt Keeps Playing Over in My Mind.
Guest post: By Lee Wisecup
I was given a blessing at birth. Some would call it a blessing. Others would call it a curse. In this story, it’s a little bit of both. My Grandmother had a photographic memory – a gift that was passed down to me. That memory has guided me in more ways than one. This day would be no different.
It was a warm, sunny fall day. My wife had been struggling for weeks to jump-start her weight loss program, so I agreed to go along when asked. Few people know that my better half never does anything half-speed. It’s always full-tilt or go home. Just the week before, she decided to run what I call the “Stairway to Heaven” steps at the local High School. These steps put the 72 stone steps at the Philadelphia Museum of Art, known as the “Rocky Steps” to shame. Under-conditioned, not at her best ‘fighting weight’ and at a prime 50 years old, I knew before tackling those stairs THIS EARLY in her weight loss plan, she was taking on way too much. With each running step, the weight pounding on the foot, calf, shin, knee, ankle, hip, thigh, hamstring…something may give, and nearly did. She walked away with ‘extremely’ sore calves and shins that made it very difficult to walk for almost a week. Having been at this weight-loss stage more than once myself, I knew she was biting off more than she could chew. She kept insisting on following the HIIT (High-Intensity Interval Training) plan to lose weight. Being concerned it was too much, too early for that, I offered what I felt was a lower-risk alternative. “Why don’t you walk the hill instead?,” I said when she pitched the idea, “I think I’m going to jump rope today.” I was worried about her shins and calves not being able to absorb the impact and possibly re-injuring herself.
Of all the days for her not to disagree with me.
So we round the track. Walking. Slowly, we pass the stairs. “You’re not going to walk the stairs?,” I asked. Instead, she decided her path would be in the nearby grass. The grass was thick. Uncut. I don’t know how anyone could have ever cut that grass. The hill was way, way too steep and tall. “Here, time me,” she said, handing me her cell phone with stopwatch app.
“Ready?,” she asked before I had a chance to nod back and barely hit the start button, up the hill she went. Not walking, but running. “Slow…High-intensity, Low-impact…WALK!,” I shouted. Slowing. She got all the way to the top of the hill. It was a heck of a climb. Proud of herself, “Take a picture?” she asked. So I snapped a couple of pics of her doing her best “Rocky” arms overhead impersonation. “How fast?” she asked. I hollered back, “Thirty Six Point Five Seconds,” as she slowly started back down the hill.
Feet from the bottom, she lost her balance in the tall grass.
I can see it frame by frame. All the way to the bitter end.
Feet falling out from under her. I thought she was going to land okay. Right foot down, left foot (in slow motion) making light-contact with the ground, landing crooked, her ankle buckles, twists and the LOUD POP follows! I am sure I said at least one or two ‘expletives’ as I stood still for half a second before rushing to her rescue. I KNEW…just knew…what had just happened. There was no time for guilt. That would come later.
I have relieved this mini-movie over at least a 100 times in my mind. In conversation. In my sleep. Simply thinking about it with idle time on my hands. Whenever she retells the story to someone. Every single time, I see the images clearly like I was there. I cringe. Sometimes grabbing my head…like I can stop what happened from happening again. I don’t know why. It’s unrealistic to think I can stop the pain. Or take it all away. A rewind. Or a do-over. Maybe change the ending. I know none of these things are possible. The outcome will always be the same. Maybe the guilt will wash away. I don’t know. In good humor, I must chuckle.
Those first few days were the worst. The guilt. “I suggested you walk the hill. It’s my fault.” Being the sweetheart she is, she never once has rubbed it in. She’s been a good spirit through all of it. A smile on her face every single step of the way. Letting me know, it’s not my fault. Her ankle may be broken, but her spirit is still very much intact. I still struggle with the guilt at times knowing I was partly responsible for ‘her first broken bone.’ I have ALWAYS been my toughest critic.
Grandma’s memory. I may joke a little about ‘the replay’ in my mind but would have it no other way – blessing or curse.
Carla J Gardiner
Wow, what an amazing recollection of that day. You do indeed have grandma’s photographic memory being able to tell the story, detail by detail. I hope by now your wife’s ankle has healed and she will take it a bit slower. I too am on my weight loss journey at 60. Due to a bad back, exercise is out for me; yet, I continue to lose inches and pounds day by day. Good luck to you both, I know you will achieve your goals.
Yes, my ankle is healed. What is your secret to losing weight would love to find something that works?
My husband and I compliment each other, because my memory is horrible except for certain things, but he remembers everything ha ha.
Glad you enjoyed the story.
This was such an enjoyable read! I sometimes wish I had a photographic memory by can see how it could be both a blessing and a curse. Don’t give yourself a hard time, you had no way of knowing the outcome or that she would decide not to take the stairs… ?
Thank you Shea, my husband continues to surprise me even after 30 years of marriage. I am sure your comment will help ease his conscience.
Shea-It’s been a couple of weeks…but I just wanted to say “thank you” for the kudos and very kind thoughts! Lee
A photographic memory can be a gift and a curse that’s for sure…but the past is behind us and, perhaps, writing about this is the first step to moving and leaving painful memories behind.
forgive yourself love
Rajjae you are so right he tends to be way too hard on himself, it was a fluke thing could have happened to anybody.
Thanks, Rajjae! As you say, ‘time heals all wounds!’ Doing much better now. Lee
It’s so tough dealing with guilt, but an accident is just that and these things happen. Try not to beat yourself up too much!
He is doing better, it was hard to even get him to talk about the incident at all 🙂 I told him if he had video taped it, it would have went viral, especially the part with me cussing like a sailor, and then saying “I’m fine, I’m fine, I don’t think I broke anything” hahaha
Thanks for the words of encouragement, Suz! Anita is on the road to recovery, and my guilt has started to fade (a little). 🙂 Lee